When I lie in bed at night…
Lately, I’ve been having trouble turning my brain off at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. Can you relate? Here’s what I’m thinking about in those dark quiet hours:
Preserving local foods for the winter. What we’re going to eat for dinner the next day. Whether I got the bread dough soaking. And bigger stuff: whether or not I have it in me to homeschool. Whether or not we should have more children.
And dance. I’m thinking about dance. Sometimes I’m making up ballet combinations, even though I’m not teaching ballet this year. Sometimes I’m mourning what it seems I’ve lost, even though I’ve gained so much through marriage and bearing children. But mostly, I’m yearning. Yearning to create something. To move my body across a big open space.To do something beautiful with all the hours and hours and hours of training I’ve had.
I studied dance throughout my childhood, devoted all my spare time to it in high school, and majored in it at college. Then my husband and I considered moving to Chicago or New York so I could be involved in the dance scene. But we felt God calling us to stay where we were. And life happened. Good things: seminary, children, jobs, possibilities.
I’ve kept one foot in the world of dance for the last several years, teaching a little, choreographing a little, taking class once in awhile, performing a few times. But it’s hard to be a one-footed dancer. I can’t make it my sole purpose in life right now: I have a beautiful family! I take care of my home. I cook food from scratch. I hang diapers on the line. I lead worship at church.
But I miss dance. I need dance. I know God still wants to use me through dance.
Why am I telling you this?
The way I see it, I have about one hour a day to do whatever I want. It’s during Esther’s nap time, which Caedmon often spends playing quietly with legos (what a gift!). I never know how long she will sleep, so I can’t bank on more than one hour.
Recently I’ve been spending that hour working on this blog: designing, writing, taking pictures, editing pictures, posting on Facebook, and of course cooking up the delicious creations I share with you. And I love it. I love helping people learn how to eat healthier and live fuller lives.
But my passion for dance is greater. And if I only have one hour a day to spend doing whatever I want, I want to spend it working on dance. I have some pieces I’m setting for various places soon, I’m working on a project with a good friend, and I want to do more dance ministry at my church. It’s my passion, and I won’t be able to sleep at night unless I jump in and hold on tight.
Choosing Between Good Things
Much of my life has been choosing between good things. Band or choir? Ballet or the high school musical? Youth group trip or dance intensive? Start a family or be free to pursue other things?
Right now I feel that I need to choose between really pursuing dance (as much as a full-time mom can) or keeping up this blog. And I’m choosing dance.
So this blog is taking a break. I don’t know how long. Maybe forever. Maybe a year. Maybe until I’m 40 and don’t have the energy to dance anymore.
I’m encouraged that I can still help people learn how to eat better food. The circle of influence might be smaller, but it’s still there. My father-in-law told me the yesterday that he used to eat margarine, but thanks to me he’s a butter man now. My brother-in-law tried kombucha recently and loved it. My parents are continually making good, small changes in the way they cook and eat. I can still share the joy of real food with my family and friends, and be a blessing to them. For that I am grateful.
It’s been a joy to share recipes and tips with all of you over the last couple years, and I appreciate anyone who has read and commented and been along for the ride with me.
Blessings to you wherever you go, and may you continue to make healthy changes in the way you eat and live.